I’ve been feeling, how do I say this correctly? Under-utilized? I feel like I don’t get to exercise a lot of what I am capable of doing, especially at work. The more I feel this way, the more I want to leave and just not be there anymore. I am a very passionate person, and when I get into my cubicle, I feel so stuck. I don’t know what any of us are really here to do, but I know that for me, that isn’t pushing papers and writing the same thing over and over again into a machine that does nothing for me but strain my eyes. (And yeah, I know blogging does this too but stay with me plz, thanks.)
I suppose under-utilized isn’t it. It’s not that I’m bored of my work, it’s that I’m bored with the situation I’m in when I’m there. I am not the kind of person that can just be boxed in. I mean figuratively boxed in, well literally if you count a cubicle as a box(?). I’m really not about that. I’ve defied expectations (in good and bad ways) all of my life and I’d like to think I’m an assertive person. Why the hell haven’t I been as assertive and stood my ground with what I actually want to do? Who knows?
Maybe it’s because we all get sort of brainwashed into thinking that our finances run our life, how we get to even having finances and what we can get out of them are the only measures of our success. But, I’m not about that either. If there’s any scale I want my life to be weighed on, it isn’t on that one. So, I constantly daydream about where I would be if I followed every passion I was so immersed in when I was younger. What if I did this? What if I did that? Where would I be if I went to Australia? Who would I be if I went to school there? It’s like I deal with loss of experiences I’ve never had. It’s FOMO IRL. What is this, what even?
Honestly, I started to feel unsatisfied with my job when I came back from China. I kept thinking, is this really it? Is this really all I have? Is this my purpose?
Nope. Nope. Hell nope.
I thought long and hard about this upcoming semester (because if you didn’t know, I made the decision to go back to school about a year ago), how I’m near the end, and I can still back out and change my mind about my degree. I’ve only really taken one class for my major, and even if it wouldn’t count in the end, the class would still satisfy credits I did need. So, I sat and I sat and I talked and I made up and changed my mind twenty-billion times. I spoke with friends, family, strangers I met in Beijing who strangely found me on WeChat (like, how?). Anyways, I’ve decided.
I will share soon. I don’t like counting my eggs before they hatch or however that saying goes. I’ve never been too great at using figures of speech.
Anyways! Cliffhanger, yo. To be continued…
P.S.: Sorry for the sh*t post. I just needed to get this off of my chest, well at least most of it. This is how I blogged when I first started sharing my life online. We can’t all talk and write like we’re living in a rainbow cloud filled with butterflies and inspiration. Right? Look for almost daily posts like these from now on.